A quick note: I've been accused of being a competitive person...an unhealthily competitive person. The only problem? I lack the speed, skill, coordination and general athletic prowess to take part in most competitive sports.
Therefore, I make my own.
Examples:
-At the gym, I turn my treadmill to a slightly faster setting than the person next to me.
-I walk on escalators, despite the fact the stairs are already moving. When someone in front of me isn't doing the same, chaos ensues.
-At Thanksgiving, I strive to finish more food than my brother (Tip: sweatpants are your friend. Stretchy waist band = more stuffing. I haven't lost in 4 years).
SO...point made. I am competitive. As such, I chalk up wins and losses to happenings in everyday life...and on TV.
Here are MY winners and losers from this weekend:
WINNERS:
1. The Kings of Leon: An American band forced to move overseas before anyone noticed them. The Grammy statue for best Rock Album and shots with Green Day should help ease the sting.
2. Matt Schaub: Having Andre Johnson at the Pro Bowl made him look very good...like MVP good. If he has the good fortune to play with Andre his entire career, we could be looking at a future Hall of Famer.
3. Avatar(IN 3-D!!!): For the seventh weekend in a row, James Cameron's intergalactic body switching space epic sits atop the box office, beating down it's next closest competitor by nearly 13 million dollars. Sure, the dialogue was bad, but I swear the jungle foliage and walking robot bullets were COMING RIGHT AT ME!!!
4. The NFL: Moving the Pro Bowl to Miami (or anywhere on the mainland) was a long overdue move, and the financial decision paid off: Attendance at the game was the highest it's been in a half century.
LOSERS:
1. Taylor Swift: (Wait, didn't she pull in 4 Grammy's?) Yes, she may have won 4 Grammy's, but her performance with Stevie Nicks vaulted her into the losers category. Why? Because the raw power of Stevie's raspy chords made Taylor's trademark high pitched yodel sound like a live cow being cheese grated to hamburger.
2. Apple's Marketing Department: Congratulations! Thanks to Steve Jobs, you now get to try and sell an I-Phone too big to fit in your pocket that DOESN'T MAKE PHONE CALLS. GOOD LUCK with that.
3. "Lost" Fans: With the final season of JJ Abrams' epic series about time traveling, island marooned plane crash victims, soon its cult following will only be left with "Heroes" and "Fringe" to confuse them on a weekly basis.
4. Anyone who watched the NFL Pro Bowl: Mario William's intentional "whiff" on Aaron Rodgers was enough to make west coasters wish the Grammy's hadn't been on time delay. Pro Bowl rules are already designed to make defenses look bad, and cutting Aaron Rodgers a break by not putting him on his back only further proves that the players couldn't care less about the outcome of the game.
5. Me: My drivers license somehow fell out of my wallet and is now lost forever. I know in my heart that some 16 year old is bragging to his friends over an illegally purchased 30-bomb of Pabst Blue Ribbon about the 23 year olds ID he found at the gas station. (If you didn't know better, you'd swear they were twins)
And thus ends my list of winners and losers for the weekend. I'd love to rattle off some more, but I feel it necessary to take some time and reflect on more important matters. Matters such as whether the new heart emblem next to my name on this temporary paper Driver's license will make emergency medical responders less likely to revive me in the event of some horrific, heart stopping trauma. (Skeptical? Watch "Crank 2: High Voltage". I REFUSE to let the Chinese mafia replace my heart with a battery powered knock-off.)
Look for the first edition of "Mundane Broadcast Copy" (News stories written in AP broadcast style, but lacking the element of relevancy and sometimes truth...), and career updates in my next post.
But until that time, keep it real, you TV-fed, pop-cultured news junkies.
---S.M.
us lost fans arent losers yet! we have another few months till we are all losers LOST on our own desert islands without it. until then.. this is our time of glory! best show ever!
ReplyDeleteMatt Schaub is the real deal, but a weird guy... He is definitely a little obscure... he was sitting in his locker after the game with ice on both hands eating a can of Tuna with a spoon... I guess that's how a QB stays healthy. It worked for him this year.
ReplyDeleteOn another note... Excited to see you have a blog. Very entertaining stuff I agree with the pro bowl on the main land but when 42 of 80 players are replacements its hard not to cringe they need to move it back to being after the super bowl so more of the players elected can play.
So even you are not a fan of the iTampon...
ReplyDeleteKPR: the end of Lost is looooong overdue.
clearly you fit into the... "its too confusing, why dont they answer some questions, im too impatient, is that a monster?" ... club. great things must be savored over time. like a steak. or a young black president.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I was thinking the same thing about iPad... why are they comparing it to their own product? I thought it was an alternative to a laptop, not an iPhone.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated your comment about Taylor Swift. Was Claire mad about that?